I was inspired to write this post after reading the tweets of a woman I follow on Twitter. She is educated, seems to have a fulfilling job, holds down her household and her children alone and is God-fearing. This woman was tweeting about how independent she is, paying rent since she was a teen, how hard she loves, and how she would appreciate having a man who could hold her down financially for once instead of her always being the one who brings home the bacon and pulls out the debit card when out on the town.
I hear these sorts of comments all the time. The frustration from black women specifically that feel they are ready to find “Mr Right” and feel that the men they come across are all lacking in something. Integrity, character, capacity, finance….. something.
So many educated black women are lost and healthy, happy relationships continue to elude them. I hear your cries, I read your FB status and I read your tweets and I feel pity on you all. You see the men you date as the problems and never see inside yourselves. The few who claim to look inward, I find their attempts are in vain. Yes that man was a cheater. Yes that man ran from responsibility. Yes that man didn’t treat you like his queen. I agree with you. That is not your fault. You are not solely the blame, but u did let that good man go because he didn’t have enough “swag”. You did let a good man pass by because he had a low paying blue-collar job. You did request space from that good man whom couldn’t flip the bill for dinner and movies because his pockets were popped all the time. Didnt you say, “I don’t need a man to provide for me. I can provide for myself! I am a strong black woman who’s been on her own since 16 and I don’t need a man for anything but to love me!” You do remember saying that don’t you? Well you got that and now you complain because he makes way less money than you? Black women get out of your own way!
Yes u have 2 degrees, yes you haves career and a condo, yes you own your own car. Yes you can cook and your ass looks great in those jeans but that is all superficial and surface. The men that love you see that but see your flaws as well. They see “inside” of you and love you anyway. They see you’re insecure, you have stretch marks, you have a couple of kids from other men, you don’t look very good when your make up is off, wig is on the night stand, and you have cold in your eyes and saliva dripping down your cheek. They see though you say you can cook you only cook on special occasions and it never quite comes out as good as you say you’re used too. They see that you compensate for your insecurities by being louder than everyone else. They know you’re needy and his time with his boys will dramatically be reduced cause you need “time” all the time. Ladies these men know that and they love you anyway. But with all that said, he doesnt make enough money and/or isn’t on the level of attraction you may want so….
All your accomplishments don’t make you a prime candidate for love. Just because you feel you love deeply doesn’t make you a better choice than the next. You all have faults that you will not acknowledge for more than 5 minutes when they are brought up to you. The point is again. GET OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY! Your perspective is way off. I’m not saying settle. What I am saying is change what you believe are the priorities. Be more consistent with that, “Strong independent black woman” Mantra you’ve been repeating for years. If a man loves you and provides for you heart and spirit than allow yourselves to be happy. If you make more money, then pay for dinner and the movies. he isn’t less of a man or a good catch because he doesn’t match your spending power. At the end of the day, you need love, support, affection, and a partner. You need a complement. Not an equal. Cause guess what? Most people aren’t created equal. Someone is always, stronger, faster, smarter, more knowledgable, more emotional, more sensible, more logical. Our mates are supposed to complement. Not equal us. If God cared about equal, men and women would be exactly the same. He designed us to complement each other. Ladies again. Get out of your own way!
Ain’t that a blip!! Here we are, independent, successful, God fearing; we have cars, condos, houses and toys…many toys, (and yes, sometimes those toys are boys). We rose above the ordinary, made a name for ourselves in our respective careers; well at least we thrive financially. In spite of “all” that, leave it to some to exploit our weakness and point it out, as though we don’t already know that those same things that make us successful get in the way of us accepting mediocrity. Yeah, we detest underachievers, lazy, womanizing and/or weak men. They represent everything we avoided in becoming the successful, independent, financially stable woman we are or work hard to be. Yet, time and time again we end up with that guy they claim we avoid anyway (come on, you know it’s true), at least for a spell, only to remember why we detest “it” in the first place. We are told “hey, settle for…stop being so demanding…black men are scarce… forget about being equally yoked.… So what you can’t take him to the company party, and he certainly has no interest in going …yada,yada,yada. What a vicious cycle…..
Yeah, we are all those things and more. But we are not flawless….no more than our perceived “weaker” counterparts are…those who have the man at home that takes care of the “things”…he is the man, she the woman… he is in charge, she feels needed. Until one day he dies or otherwise leaves the relationship and leaves her to fend for herself. Yet, she is not qualified to do so. She cries and struggles to understand “why is this happening to me?” Why did she not learn self sufficiency when she could have? Many do not stop to criticize this “poor, unfortunate woman, left alone” She is often pitied and help comes pouring forth… people introduce her to some of their successful male friends….after all, she takes care of house…she is a great wife…everybody likes her; she is so subservient, acquiesces, no back-talk or opinion to speak of. After all, she knows her place and has settled for it.
In case you don’t already know, let me let you in on “our” secret. We want compassion too. We want to be understood also, yet our circumstances sometimes get in our way and in the way of people seeing us as human; subject to mistakes and desirous of compassion, so they write these blogs that criticize…forgetting that people (all people) often get in their own way for one reason or another, in one way or another. So what I want to know is why choose to pick on us. Is it because you think we can take it? Hmmmm? WHAT!!!!
This blog post was inspired by the comments I have heard over and over again for years. Black women who have been blessed to be finacially stable, wether from a career they have excelled in, or from simply haveing a high paying exec assistant position seem to have a hard time finding men they are happy with finacially. Granted many men have many issues as it pertains to relationships and many men arent worthy of the support and love that some ready and willing woman are able to provide. However Im not talking about those men. Im refering to the good men, that can offer emotional support, hold a conversation, be strong and yet vaulnerable, show charactor, and show that they are in it 100%. These men tend to get the short end of the stick because they find woman that are strong and independent and can do for them selves. These woman say time and time again. I dont need money. I have my own money. I just need a man that can love me the way I need to be loved. The problem is when they find that man, its all good at first, then the frustration starts to settle. The thoughts start to circulate in your heads. “Damn brah, you cant pay for this $22 movie admission for us?” “Damn brah, $45 dollars for a meal is to much for you?” “I got you a elaborate gift for your birthday and all I get is a card, some flowers and a home cooked meal?” You see I speak from experience.. I have been that “good man” who was with the woman who claimed she just needed a man to love her, she didnt need his money. The problem is that it is a lie. Women today go back and forth between the traditional roles and the modern roles of men and women so much that they become confused. There is no consistantcy in the roles we are supposed to play. Its really selfish and about having your cake and eating it to. Think about it. Women chose to adhire to the role that is most convienent for them in the situation they are in. For example: When single and holding down your house hold and job and maybe raising a child, the “Im a strong and independent, modern woman” role is what perpetuated. Its considered to be weak to look like you need help or even want help. Women will pat themselves on the back all day and celebrate their strength. And they are strong so there is nothing wrong with that. But when in a relationship with a man that makes considerably less than them, or is in a bad financial situation due to other circumstances, why not celebrate your strength then? Why revert back to a more traditional view of the man/woman relationship dynamic and want to be spoiled and have your man pull out his credit card and pay for everything? YOUR MAN DONT GOT IT! but he provides the rest of the things you said you really wanted. For someone to simply love you the way you need to be loved.
Again, this blog is not coming from a place of woman bashing, its simply an expression of my frustration with lies. Like every entry in this blog, Im looking for the truth. I have a lot of black female friends that vent about their frustrations with men that arent financially on their level and thats their only complaint. These woman needless to say are alone and still searching yet they let go of good men because they didnt want to have to pay for the movies and dinner all the time. Its hard enough finding a good man let alone narrowing down that selection to the ones that make at least as much money as you do. Thats rediculous to me. I praise my wife everyday and tell her how lucky I am to have found a woman who’s mind hasnt been poisoned like the majority of the black women I know. Its such a shame to me. I just want to see more happy black families and on a personal note maybe not have to hear so many of my black female friends talking the non sense they do and make the excuses they do as to why they are still single.