I just wanted to draw a bigger and clearer picture which I wasnt able to do in pt1. I touched on what I felt were some of the mistakes women are making when choosing or not choosing the right mate. My main focus was on women who will pass up a good man because he is not on her level financially. In pt2 I want to take a look at the historical role of the man and woman in the family dichotomy.
In the beginning of civilization we were hunter/gatherers. The man’s physical make up and aggressive Testosterone hormone made him more suitable for the task of going into the wild and bringing back dinner. It made him more suited to carry heavy twigs or branches to build huts and it made him more suited to protect his family from the dangers outside the village.
The women on the other hand, could gather fruits and berries quite easily, they could cook and weave baskets all while multi tasking and nursing their young. Pretty hard to hunt and build huts with a young infant on your breast or a child running around getting into trouble.
As civilization advanced we went from hunter/gatherers to trades men. You had your butcher, your blacksmith, your guy who just made dairy products, your tax collector etc etc. Though not as dangerous as hunting, or as tedious as building a house out of twigs and branches, these task without modern machines of today still took elbow grease, and was much more suitable for a man. I mean what was the alternatives? Men nursing their young (oh wait their even bottles at this point?) or maybe men bathing the children and cooking them a meal, while the ladies made horse shoes and hardware and did the back numbing labor. Yeah that makes sense.
So from the beginning of time till this stage of history, women were pretty dependent on men, to put a roof over there head, and make sure there was food in the house. We still had the “traditional” roles. As we move closer to the industrial age we find the same circumstances. Hard back-breaking factory work in the cities, and more nurturing motherly task in the home. Though both parties did what their genetic make up and DNA made them more suited to do, I could imagine a sense of helplessness from the women. Maybe not being fulfilled emotionally by the man of the house. Feeling trapped maybe. Being stuck in a situation with someone she may not want to be with because if she leaves, where would she go? She basically had to wait for some young stud to notice her and whisk her far away like in the romance novels and just like the current husband, take care of her and the children for the rest of her life. I can see how this arrangement could cause some resentment. Not feeling powerful. Feeling dependent. Feeling unappreciated, etc.
So when the world wars started and women started taking jobs in the factories, so weapons and other vital products continued to be produced while the men were away at war, this is the first time in history where women started to taste independence. They felt powerful now, appreciated, useful. Most of all the gender roles they seemed to be “cursed” with. The role that they resented so much because of how it trapped them in their circumstances seemed to be changing. They welcomed their men back from war with open arms but the taste of ‘freedom” and independence was addicting. Women started to also integrate into the work force. telephone switch board operators, secretaries, waitresses. They were now earning money and feeling more and more “equal” with their male counter parts. This switch in the family dynamic didn’t happen over night. It took decades for this switch in the social conciousness to be widely accepted as the new norm. Probably after the 80′s with images of women going to work in suits with running sneakers on was there a realization that things were forever changed.
With this slow change in the dynamic of the family economic structure and change in gender roles came changes in the family bond as a whole. The family was no longer bonded by necessity. Woman could pick up and leave when ever they wanted. They could easily find a job or two and make ends meet without the need of a man anymore. The divorce rate went up. The family struggled and in time fell apart. For the first time in the history of man did people stay together because of love and happiness and not because of convenience. To bad for us we weren’t really that good at figuring out what true love was. It was easier to stay together for convenience. Now we had to actually work at loving someone and being with them for the right reasons. GUESS THATS ONE OF THE REASONS THE DIVORCE RATE IS SO HIGH. We don’t have much practice at that. But at least there is no more dependency. Women finally got their way out. That freedom and independence. They felt powerful finally. “Equal” because that’s what is really important right. being “equal”?
The only problem with this new dynamic is though women are climbing the ladder of eduction and career opportunity faster than lightning and due to other cultural dynamics men, especially Black men are struggling like never before, and the Black Woman is more succesful than ever before. The shift has been completed. We no longer live in a society where black smiths, butchers and farmers are the main professions. We don’t even live in the industrial age anymore. We live in a totally different society than we have even experienced in history. Most jobs can be done from a desk. The back-breaking labor of yesterday is done by machines and robots. It is no longer a necessity for women to be at home cooking and cleaning and raising their young. We have microwave dinners and processed foods that are instant that men and young children can cook with little problem. We have professional child care facilities so that the womans work day can be extended. She is no longer needed at home. She can work work work for that freedom she has become accustomed to. No more is she a slave to necessity. No longer will she stay in a relationship/marriage that she feels unfulfilled in.
This is a good thing right?
The problem with this shift in our culture is though women are making the money now and in a lot of cases more money that their counter parts especially in the minority communities, they resent us for not being as financially independent as they are. For the entire history of human kind men have provided, food shelter and safety and now that the tables have turned and women are independent, not only do they want their independence and financial power but they still want a man to feed them, shelter them, and protect them? This doesn’t sound hypocritical to you? You wanted financial freedom so you had the option to stay or leave if you wished from a relationship that didn’t fulfill you. You now have that. You don’t have to be with a man for convenience ever again. Now you have the choice to be with someone based on love and affection and mutual likes and interest.
My question is now that you have that freedom, why do you continue to pass over good men, that share your interest, stimulate you mentally and support you emotionally and spiritually simply because he doesn’t make as much as you? SO WHAT! Can you imagine how assed out the women would have been throughout history if men as a whole just decided that we didn’t need your cooking and cleaning and child care abilities anymore. We’d just eat chaired meats over an open fire, accompanied by the bread, and cheese we brought from town. have a pint of beer to wash it down at the local pub and just fuck strange women with no care about her getting pregnant. What was she gonna do? Get a DNA test? Through out history, men have needed women a lot less than they have needed us but for some strange reason we have provided, protected, feed and clothed you. Now that the tables have turned everything is a damn mess.
Now I can imagine what you are thinking as you read this. “This son of a bitch!” “Who the hell does he think he is?” “He is probably one of those broke bastards he is referring to, that’s why he is so upset” Some of you may even be more interested in my spelling and grammar mistakes than seeing any truth in my words. Ladies, this blog is not meant to offend you. Actually I want you to be happy. I want you to find love and be fulfilled in your life. I’m sorry if Im lacking tact, and come across a bit straight forward. Im just frustrated with you ladies. You are to blinded by your own pride. To accustomed to your own freedom, and have been drinking the Kool-Aid for way to long. I just want to open your eyes to the fact that you have been getting in your own way for far to long now. I need you to decided what you want and stop going back and forth. Is it the opportunity for love and affection and mental and spiritual support or is it “traditionality”, to keep your debit card in your pocketbook when going to the movies or out to eat or to have a man take care of you and make you feel safe and taken care of? Are you a modern woman who doesn’t need a man, but constantly complains how lonely she is and takes out her frustration on all the men she knows that aren’t meeting her standards or you more sensible and realize that in this new day and age the “traditional” gender roles no longer apply and its up to you two as a couple to decide what the others role will be and to be ok with that decision?
If you’re a single woman, mother, provider and your beef is when you find a man he needs you to take care of him like he is your child as well, and he wont get off his ass to try to be a provider, then you can ignore this whole blog post. It’s not directed at you. This is directed at the modern woman of today that says she wants love and doesn’t need your money, and when it presents its self to her, she says to herself, “i like this love thing, but can it come with a bit more money as well?” Then she turns her back on love because she is hoping to upgrade to the love with the nice car and condo as well.
I was told as a child, “No one gets what they want all the time, except babies”. We have to make decisions and except them. We have to realize that we can not have our cake and eat it too. It’s just not how life works. ladies GET OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY. Please. I beg you. Happiness is closer than you think. No need to be successful and bitter anymore.
Both of these posts are really interesting. Your summary of how marriage changed as technology did is pretty right on, in my opinion. One of the things that came to my mind was that in today’s society, people continually emphasize that everyone should be able to do exactly whatever it is that they want, regardless of gender, age, social status, etc. Totally fine. I just think that there is an unintended consequence to all this and that is we never have to rise above our own selfishness. And getting over our own selfishness is crucial, in my opinion, to a successful relationship. I’m not at all saying that we should go back to a society where everyone’s roles are defined, but I think people have to understand that, like you said, you can’t get everything you want.
I think too that everyone has been brainwashed to think that true masculinity is being a financial provider. Seems to me, after being married, that true masculinity is doing whatever it takes to ensure the best for your family, and I don’t mean financially. I mean, spending quality time, intentionally guiding your family toward its goals, intentionally teaching your kids. It involves a lot of sacrifice, I think.
Finally (wow, I’m long-winded), I really regret the fact that I let other people influence me when it came to career stuff. It was all “college and career” all the time, and no one ever mentioned to me that I might change my mind and actually care more about having a good marriage and kids than about a cool condo in an awesome city. I bet a lot of other women have been taught, like me, that career success is the ultimate goal and so they’re just living it out because that’s what they think they’re supposed to do.
Anyway, glad I found your blog!
Ivy, thank you. Im glad you found my blog as well. I have not updated it in almost a year, but I feel there is enough content on here to keep most busy reading and thinking for a while.
Im glad you werent offended by this post and can see some of my point of view. I just wish more women could see the big picture as well.
Enjoy my blog and thanks again.
I’m here from Not Dabbling. :-)
As a female engineer, I thought I might have something worth saying on this.
It’s true, the old gender roles are not as applicable to our generations. But in some ways, they still are. This is a bit of a dichotomy in my own life, so I’ll try not to mess up this comment.
On the one hand, women like myself, raised literally from Kindergarten with the assumption of college and career, have had considerable success pursuing that. In spite of small doubts, I got my diploma and I got my engineering job. But, happiness remained illusive. College loans, my relatives assured me they were “good debt,” turned into mill weights as the subtle differences between private and gov’t loans were made painfully clear. In spite of these difficulties, I found love and a partner. Dave made less than me and worked a blue collar job, but he had a great work ethic, loved me lots and I knew I didn’t need a partner with a 40k income. He stepped up to the commitment plate, and I snatched him right up. I am thankful every day for that small bit of wisdom.
Here’s the part where the dichotomy rears up, so bear with me. We overpowered our birthcontrol on the honeymoon. 9 months after our handfasting we were blessed with a beautiful baby boy. Those 9 months revealed problems with women in the workforce. My engineering firm was NOT happy that I ended up unexpectedly pregnant. They covered all their legal bases, but it became very clear that they preferred their engineers to work like men. I had a difficult 1st trimester, not uncommon, nothing debilitating, but I couldn’t keep up with my team’s expected work schedule of 70 hours a week. (We were in the middle of several poorly planned project startups.) I tried scaling back to 60 in an attempt to balance the pressures of my body and my boss, but my team grew increasingly hostile. I ended up having to leave my firm at around the 2 month mark. So, there I was, a pregnant engineer, out of work, in the middle of the recession. My husband of course stepped up, found some steady work, but rarely could get more than 30 hours a week. I found a part time gig cleaning up data for a database, but also couldn’t get more than 30 hours a week. We struggled through in that manner for the rest of my pregnancy. Then, once the baby was born, I was once again let go. As a part-time temp I had no maternity leave. (I had been expecting the end of the job, it wasn’t a surprise, but still made things harder.)
The turn of events highlighted another aspect of the workplace that cuts into those traditional gender roles. As you mention, lactation is largely the domain of women. Women are becoming more and more prevalent in the workforce, but lactation rooms and support for lactation is severely lacking. Being an engineer, and being short on work, I approached pregnancy and motherhood like any other project and did extensive research. I knew when study after study highlighted the importance of breastfeeding infants for at least a year, that I would be doing that. I was of course looking for work, after recovering from labor, and interview after interview noticeably cooled after I mentioned my status as a breastfeeding mom and my requirement of both time and space to continue that. (The law is on my side here, but that counts for very little.) This particular disconnect is hurting our children. The problems associated with babies not nursing are well known and the US is trailing behind all other industrial nations in fighting those problems. The reason, of course, is that in the US women in the workforce are still largely expected to work like men. 8-5, with a break for lunch and a week of vacation a year. Economic pressures cause most women to fold to that demand and our children are paying the price.
I am now working full time again, and baby boy weaned himself at 11 months, so hubby Dave is able to stay home and care for him full time while I work. At this point, (baby weaned) gender roles absolutely are ” up to you two as a couple to decide what the others role will be and to be ok with that decision” My bit of wisdom in selecting my mate, means we didn’t have to duke it out over who would stay home. We didn’t have to pit our careers against one another or weigh them against the level of care we wanted for our son. We both agreed that we wanted our son raised at home by one of us, and since his career was much less lucrative and much more flexible to time away, he stays home. He bakes our bread, he does the lions share of laundry and picks up the odd bit of work on nights/weekends with his old company, bringing in some money that he can feel comfortable spending. And so we’ve found a balance again.
The dichotomy remain though, and we’re delaying having another child until we can find a way to do it that isn’t as f-ed up as our first go round. It seems industry is fine with women working, but it’s not fine with us continuing our womanly duties to our families. So, those of us of childbearing age, more often than not, must chose.
That was an amazing comment Jennie. Im proud of you for “getting out of you’re own way” sort of speak and being with a man because you love him and not because of what he can do for you financially.
After reading you comment I have to say I empathize with your situation and think that companies need to be more efficient in how they spend there time and the end result will be better work life balance. We all have heard of companies like Google and EA Sports that have great work life balance, that arent killing the productivity of their employees with meeting after meeting after meeting, and that because of these changes in the way they conduct business their employees are under some of the pressures you experienced as a pregnant mother and then a nursing mother.
Its unfortunate that the majority of American corporations havent made adjustments for pregnant and nursing employees but the fact of the matter is its very very very rare to have your cake and eat it to.
Take the example of an athlete. They spend the whole season on the road. And half of the season when they have home games they spend that time in practice and watching game film at the stadium. They dont have quality time with their mates or children until the season is over. No that might not be a problem for some men but there are a lot of men that do enjoy their families and want to see their kids grow up, but the fact remains, if family was more important then they simply would have chosen another career. You see it everyday. An coach or athlete has a press conference and decides they are retiring because they want to spend more time with their families.
Though its not fare that women have to choice between nursing and being there with their children during the early months and even years, the fact is that in a lot of cases its still a choice. Just like the athlete in my example could have given up his childhood dreams of playing in the NBA, NFL, MLB etc and finished that degree and gotten an entry level job and worked his way up the ladder until he was at a comfortable 50k annually and worked just to pay bills like the rest of us. But the fact is for most people, their own luxuries, comfortable homes and nice cars are more important that nursing, and staying home with their children so almost every time, more income and luxuries win over whats “best” for the child.
And even though I empathize with you and agree that America is ready for women to work, but only if they can work like men, I cant say that they are totally wrong for thinking this way. EVERYTHING in life is about supply and demand. EVERYTHING is a MARKET. From the dating pool to the job market to grocery store. We are wired to get the most we can and give up as little as possible in return in EVERY SINGLE situation. Its called leverage, technology and its also called value. Your employer is not going to give up more than they have to to get what the need in return and thats productive employees that produce the most profit for the least amount of investment. Its a sweat shop mentality just with in the boundaries of the law and also taking into consideration the “market”
The “market” is always fair because its driven by supply and demand. In dating the less attractive, less charming get the bottom of the barrel, last pickings while the most attractive most charming get the best pickings. In the job market the person with the highest level of education and from the best schools gets their choice of where to work while the high school drop out gets the least choice, its the same with careers. The potential employee that can offer the employer the highest level of productivity for the least investment will always have more options, and unfortunately women are more investment, health insurance, loss of hours because they cant keep up with work demand and body changes as well as time off (maternity leave) as well as new facilities for nursing, etc etc.
The point of this is, though I empathize with you and what you went through I cant quite say that corp America is wrong in its thinking. After all its a “market” The less attractive men might think its unfair that they dont have their pick of beautiful women to marry, but in their own self pity and resentment of the system they dont even realize that they too are participating in the system by aspiring to be with someone more attractive rather than the nice overweight woman they met while on line at the movies with penciled in fake eye browse and saggy facial skin. WE ALWAYS WILL CHOOSE THE MOST WE CAN GET FOR THE LEAST WE HAVE TO GIVE UP, each and every time. Unfortunately for you, and most women that want children, women are less valued in corp America than men because the cooperation has to give up to much to employee you.
So the choice is yours, choose a career that is more female friendly so you can have your children and stay home and nurse etc, or choose work and try to fit your child in there where you can and heavily rely on child care and Similac.